"Despair" Alex Grey
Disclaimer: this blog entry has nothing to do with teaching ideas, classroom challenges, or university work. Sorry. After coming home from yoga, I became a bit overwhelmed, which is what happens sometimes when you allow yourself to take a look around at your reality instead of only looking forward at what you have to do next. The MAT program has made me into a pretty selfish person with my time; hopefully that will change when I graduate. So, what do you do when reality comes crashing down on you, and you suddenly realize that finding cheap airline tickets and building the perfect exit portfolio and getting in shape before your big summer trip is utterly moot in comparison to other things? I know what I do.... I write.
I feel like I have been pushing everything down in order to get through the academic year. I haven't let my soul breathe; I haven't allowed myself to feel much pain, much of anything really. And there's enough pain and fear here to hold me captive if I let it.
So maybe this is related to the classroom. After all, life won't slow down when I get a job. People will still get sick, cars will still need fixing, relationships will still need tending. How to balance your personal life and still give your students the attention they deserve is a good thing to know. I guess you could say I've had a lot of practice in that this year. Is that something I can put on my resume?
So while I'm swimming around in my pity pool, what floats by? Numbers, chances, one year, two year, 6%, question marks?? my three fathers: all so different (I would trade blood to keep the one) ... memories of a boy that never existed... friendly faces that crumble at a touch... friends with smiles on their faces and daggers in their hands... habits that need stamped out... unrealized potential buried too deeply beneath the moment... furious desire for a family of my own... tired of patience, tired of waiting for the right time... how unfair life is and why isn't there a less cliche way of expressing that sentiment.
Um, on a brighter note. Here's a poem I wrote this morning about spring coming.
Untitled
We feel spring's warming breath
before her leafy crown
appears above the ground.
Oh, I could kiss the earth!
Lie prostrate in the resurrecting grass,
and weep for joy of winter's retreat.
My Sun's glorious return
draws out the winter's toxins
in pearly beads on my brow,
and they trickle like spring rain
into the slowly arousing dirt
where they can be forgotten
and trod upon with lighter feet.
Life begins to breed again
in hearts too long cold as stone.
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Oh man. I'm out of words. I really thought I could express myself a bit better tonight.
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